I think at some point in life we all wonder if and when “it” will happen to us…whatever that may be; a perfect family, a significant other, some form of completion.
And I think at some point after we put in the work in my case; (years of therapy, self reflection, realization, a place of complacency/content) that we feel we’re deserving of this new addition to our life, that we’re finally deserving of our long lost missing puzzle piece, and at some point because we think, “its time we’ll take whatever the necessary steps are to acquire it.
We begin to question what we once knew to be our bible; we begin to question our own standards because we wonder if this entire time we’ve actually needed to change ourselves to some degree, to some capacity. We begin to sell ourselves short of who we know we’re capable of becoming, we allow someone or something to re-define our once very clear definition of self…simply because we want to prove a point to ourselves (but mainly to others) that we do in fact have it all together, that we can fix what was once broken, that we’re deserving, that we can overcome…that we’re worthy.
We put so much effort and so much validity in what others think that we often forget to think what we think. We allow someone else’s views or perspectives of us to dictate who we are, who we’re becoming, and what timing it should fall under.
Here’s my truth…I’ve been solo for a while, not able to commit, killing the (fitness biz) game on my own, and doing me. I’m used to the life I was somewhat forced to create, I’ve gotten very comfortable with the season that unexpectedly presented itself when I got divorced. I’ve been in hyper drive mode ever since…eye on the prize, not stopping to worry about anything or anyone else. I’ve made it my sole responsibility to rebuild, to begin again, to grow, to level up, to not concern myself with what’s next other than supporting myself, and continuing to build a successful business.
I’m great at coaching others…not so great at coaching myself (I outsource that).
I’m understanding with clients, I teach them that no one is 100%, 100% of the time, that in order to see change you have to work on yourself from the inside out, that it won’t happen overnight, and if it does it wont last…it’s fleeting.
What my past likes to remind me of is that I’m not so great at relationships…my marriage didn’t end up working (BIG learning lesson), I haven’t really fully been able to commit to someone wholeheartedly although (I tried really hard once or twice), but it just wasn’t there.
I recently found myself “ready” — ready to finally be in a relationship. It’s as if I opened up my eyes one morning and said “it’s time” and in that moment I expected things to shift, to move according to my new found plan, I wanted the guy for me and I wanted to give this whole dating thing a fair run.
Yet, as I expected one thing, life had a different plan for me. I met someone, and we hit it off. BIG time. The chemistry was there, the connection seemed real, and the potential was refreshing, and on paper it seemed that he could possibly be a candidate for my (next) future husband. (I have to laugh at myself for that one, but that’s often times how us ladies think – cray I know).
As I began to spend more time with this person I had yellow flags, that made me think, made me question what a healthy relationship was all about, if I had been doing it all wrong for years, if what I thought was the “right” path actually was…
I began to allow myself to become someone I knew I was never meant to be. Yet, I was proud because I allowed myself to relinquish some of the control I’ve been holding the reigns tightly to for some time now. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I allowed myself to let someone in.
But during that period, I saw more and more yellow flags that were quickly turning red. Despite knowing that this person was not the person for me, I desperately wanted it to work…mainly because I felt like it was time. Everything else in my life was seemingly making sense, except for this one minor yet also major detail.
I started to pull my emotions inward when I’m so used to exuding them outward.
I started to speak less, and turn my voice down to be a little quieter so that I wouldn’t start conflict.
I allowed myself to internalize anxiety and completely shut down, despite knowing what I needed to start up again.
I allowed myself (for a brief period of time) to think that there was SO much wrong with me, more than I ever thought (despite having done some deep, deep work on myself).
I started to believe that being quiet was so much better than being loud.
I started to think that everything I stood for didn’t stand tall enough.
I started to believe that this was “normal.”
I started to believe that being a successful boss lady wasn’t what most guys wanted, that them talking down to me, attempting to control various aspects of my life, and making me feel less than who I know I truly am, was…well, normal.
While this didn’t go on for very long, it went on long enough. Long enough for me to question my beliefs. Long enough to allow me to feel that I wasn’t the boss b*tch I know I am, long enough to not feel entitled to speak up in fear of the repercussions.
Yet, there was still a part of me (being the fixer that I am) that believed I could make this work. That I could tackle those red flags, that this guy made all the sense on paper, that it wasn’t that big of a deal for me to no longer feel like myself…because after all no one else saw these red flags, no one else experienced the feelings that I kept to myself, no one saw what I knew to be true behind closed doors. What people knew was something completely different, and I thought to myself that that has to be the truth…
Well, that wasn’t the truth…shit hit the fan in a bad way, an uncomfortable way, a way that I’d prefer to never experience again.
I speak about this in hopes that it will enlighten someone else to share their story, it will allow someone to open up about uncomfortable feelings, it will give someone the open door to speak up.
The truth is; no one is you, and that is your power. No matter what you’ve gone through, or will go through at some point, remember you have a voice, a voice that needs and deserves to be heard. Not only for you, but also for others those aren’t ready to speak, to open up, to deal with the feelings of being uncomfortable.
We’ve all experienced situations where we don’t feel like ourselves, where we back off because we think we’re too much – I’m here to tell you that no matter what you’ll be too much for some, and not enough for others, but at the end of the day you have to be enough for yourself.
You have to know that you’re worthy, that when you feel “off” that when you choose to neglect the things that really matter to you, that you’re doing yourself a disservice. That your voice desperately needs and deserves to be heard.
I don’t have the answers to everything, but I do know that I wasn’t put on this earth to be quiet, not speak up, and for someone else to tell me who I am…and neither were you.