I’ve had a lot of recent successes- what feels like success to me, and I suppose what looks like success to others. In the past few months I was invited to give a keynote speech to hundreds of women about my journey (big moment for me), I landed the cover of Be Well Philly’s annual health and wellness magazine, and I graced the pages of the New Balance Women’s catalog as more than a fitness model, but rather a role model. I’d say I’m well on my way to making a name for myself in the fitness industry.
I’ve gotten an overwhelming amount of “congrats” and “I’m so proud of you” moments, and I so appreciate them, but…there’s more, more that you probably won’t see me gracing any magazine pages for- more that may be passe to speak of because my exterior paints a much different picture than my interior. It’s an image of seemingly doing well that people are proud of, yet it was not doing well that has led me to the point in my career that is now considered successful.
Too often people fear sharing the not so pretty side of their seemingly glamorous life, but I truly believe that to be a mistake.
As I’m sure you know, and it’s rather apparent- I haven’t been blogging as often as I once did, for various reasons but one in particular that makes me feel like a phony, because I’m not practicing what I preach.
I preach the importance of making time for yourself, and to make time for what truly matters. Yet I’m failing time and time again to realize how much I matter. The phrase “I matter” is something I still struggle with because I’m so used to putting others first; their schedules, health concerns, and feelings. Yet as I tell each client the importance of giving back to themselves, at the end of the day I find myself with nothing left to give.
This isn’t something that happened overnight, it’s something that I’ve allowed to happen for years. When returning back to the sates (three years ago) I threw every fiber of my being into my business, allowing me to solely focus on the present, without truly facing or dealing with my past. As I’m reminded by my past I force myself to be grateful, and thankful for my present and my future- yet I struggle with allowing myself to just be, whether that’s here or there.
Yesterday was, or what would have been my sixth wedding anniversary. I didn’t really speak much of it but I felt (the memory of what I once imagined life to look like) staring back at me.
Please believe me when I say I don’t want that life…I did then, but I don’t now. I’ve learned so much about myself, and continue to do so on a regular basis and for that I’m thankful. Yet taking time out for myself is something I need to make a priority. Often times I don’t deal with my feelings as they arise, but later on when I have no other choice but to confront them. I’m just like everyone else who struggles with negative coping mechanisms. Moments of drinking too much, attempting to eat my way through feeling better, and overall just feeling bad about myself-but I know I’m not alone, and as cliche as that may sound, I believe it to be true. I know I’m not the only person that struggles with demons from the past and that’s why I continue to share the realness of my life.
It’s so important for me to be transparent in a world of people that are driven by fear (I’m often one of those people too), to allow others to see that their journey and what they feel may be a failure is indeed not that. It’s an opportunity for change.
I think sometimes because something happened years ago we think shouldn’t discuss it, that we should automatically be over it, and no longer have any feelings associated with that memory. I call bullshit. In fact, I think it’s important that no matter what you’re feeling, you address it, and remind yourself that there is no right or wrong here, there just is.
For me, it’s reassuring myself that it’s ok to invest in my personal life as much as my business. I’ve grown my business with purpose and through potential, and I’ve learned to be ok with the ups and downs of that, yet I still need a lot of work when it comes to being fully capable of giving myself permission to potentially fall on my face and be less guarded in my personal life.
This is mainly for me, but also for all of you reading this- as long as you’re moving, you’re creating. Take time out for yourself and begin to create. Forward motion.