Vulnerability 101


I suffer from perfectionism…

I want everything to be perfect, and I tend to have a preconceived notion of how things should play out. After my divorce was over, I made it my sole purpose to do everything on my own, to control as many uncomfortable situations as possible, and to help others (via personal training) along the way.

One MAJOR KEY that I forgot was that there’s no such thing as perfection, and it’s ok to ask for help. I’ve gotten so busy helping others that I never truly embrace time to help myself. As I preach how important the mental component is over the physical component, if not the most important, I forget to listen to how powerful my own words are and as a result have been neglecting that aspect–I always want people to think I’m “ok”, that they don’t have to worry about me, and can focus on themselves.

Everybody has a story, and this is mine… Right here, right now, and it’s subject to change– because that’s how evolution works. My story is mine, and it’s ok to change, to re-create, to re-write pages, to delete, to edit, and leave blank spaces.

Over the last couple of months I’ve been struggling; with life. The way it plays out, the way it doesn’t and this overwhelming sense of disconnect.

We’re living in a world were it’s seemingly so easy to “connect” to others yet we find ourselves (as least I do) lacking true connection that’s not from a handheld device, sent via text, and that isn’t the life we portray on social media.

Recently, I haven’t known how to put my feelings on paper, or how to articulate how I’m feeling, so I’ve hit the pause button, and by pausing, I’ve realized that it’s ok to to say “I need a break.”

Quite frankly, I’m burned the f*ck out!

When I made the commitment to myself that I’d always be “ok” it seemed fair, something I could manage (most of the time) and a new coping mechanism that I was willing to take on… not knowing if it was right or wrong.

Throughout the past couple of months, I’ve had a lot of personal family things happen. My step-dad being diagnosed with terminal cancer a little over a year ago, I’ve recently had to watch as he was admitted to the hospital for a month long procedure that made him weaker than a baby in hopes of him getting stronger, forcing him to immediately became co-depent. I’ve witnessed my mother try to take on the huge burden of becoming caretaker to someone that is ultimately supposed to be taking care of her. I’ve watched her struggle, and listen to her tell me “it’s going to be ok”, when in fact it may not be.

I’ve been struggling A LOT with keeping, balancing, and contributing to deep, meaningful relationships with people in real life while also being “ok” — I’ve had a hard time asking for help, asking for friends when I need them, and being there for others on a daily basis as I attempt to fill the shoes for them, that I struggle to fill myself.

I’ve been working on forgiving myself for having this need to constantly strive for perfection when I know damn well that doesn’t exist.

I’ve had the mentality of being able to do it all on my own; be successful, financially independent, not have people worry about my overall wellbeing, and perceive me as “killing the game.”

While at times that’s 100% who I am, I am not that person 100% of the time.

I have made the difficult decision to cut people out of my life that I thought were there for the lang haul simply because they weren’t feeding my soul the way they once did, and because it was the right thing for me to do, despite it not feeling that way. Throughout these past couple of months, I’ve been able to forgive others as I work on forgiving myself for all that I’m not, and everything they are.

But, the most valuable thing I’ve learned throughout these times of being confused AF, is that it is more than ok to ask for help. It’s ok to continuously reinvent yourself, it’s ok to not always be able to see the whole picture, but rather parts of it. I’ve learned that it’s ok to share your real story, the one that doesn’t quite make sense, the one where you’re struggling– because today, here in the now, that’s the story and there’s not sugar coating it. No, it’s not the story forever, but it is for right now, and whatever it is, whatever page you’re on, chapter, or sequel, it’s not the finale.

Life is too short to focus on how people perceive you, and your image all of the time. I’m human, and so are you…no matter what you’re going through, allow yourself to go through it and don’t be afraid of wherever it is you are, and wherever it may take you. Just know that it won’t last forever, there’s no such thing as that either.