I’m usually very focused, and my vision so clear, yet life got me. I lost myself and could no longer hear my voice. We get inundated and saturated with what should be, what our priorities should look like, and how we ought to feel, and then we shift. Often times we shift without even realizing we’re doing so, yet we feel it.
As of late there’s been a lot on my mind…a lot. With family members getting sick and people close to me losing their lives too soon you begin to focus on real world issues. Issues that you don’t necessarily want to put your energy towards but ones that won’t otherwise disappear.
I’ve also been working on forgiveness. It’s something that I 100% believe in, yet something I struggle with on a daily basis. It’s somewhat similar to the story of the boy who cried wolf. You never want to keep talking about the same old thing all the damn time-yet sometimes that’s life, that’s your life, and it’s part of my story, and I bet yours too.
Yes I was married, and yes I’m divorced. It’s behind me, yet also standing directly in front of me. There are obstacles and hurdles I must tackle to be the whole person I’m capable of being. Is this an overexerted topic of discussion? Perhaps, but it’s my topic of discussion and I’m owning it 110%. No, my divorce doesn’t define me, but it does allow a lot of issues to come to the surface. Issues that are ongoing that most choose not to discuss.
You hear it a lot;
“Forgiveness is for you, it’s not for them.”
“By forgiving someone you regain the power.”
“Forgive yourself first, and the rest will come.”
Although I realize it takes two to make a relationship work, as humans we have a tendency to blame ourselves for the downward spiral, and eventually the demise. Various scenarios will play out in your mind time and time again of how you could have fixed the situation, made it better, or done something differently. Yet the outcome still remains the same. For me, I think a large part of beginning to work on forgiveness is allowing myself to be both vulnerable and honest. Being vulnerable means putting yourself out there, but it also means dealing with the truths of what may come. Truths you don’t necessarily want to confront, but must deal with head on.
My husband was my mirror. I looked at him for happiness, for stability, for everything I couldn’t find within myself. I became so insecure because of his actions; infidelity, and lying. Truth is- I was insecure from the beginning of the relationship because I didn’t quite fully know how to trust myself, my truths, my emotions, my intuition, or my own personal journey. I didn’t want to know the truth because I knew it would hurt. I didn’t want to deal with the pain so I allowed myself to let him play the leading role of my doubts and my fear, when in reality, I should have taken a closer look in the mirror, because I too, was a lead actress. In a sense, he was me, and I was him. We mirrored one another; the good, the bad, and the ugly.
What I’m working on now, is forgiving myself for everything I feel I’m entitled to let go of. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you forget what they’ve done, it means you allow yourself the ability to move on in a positive direction without them having so much power over you.
Recycling pain occurs in various forms, it’s a cyclic cycle for someone that is suffering from it. They pain others because they too are in pain. Yet by learning that in certain situations there was nothing you could have done better to change the situation you learn (slowly) to recycle your pain in a more constructive and positive way. Recycling your pain doesn’t mean that the struggle isn’t real, and reoccurring, it means that you’re aware of it and able to focus your energy on letting go of the life you thought you should live, and embracing the one you are living.
Photography: Michele Suits
Recommend Listening: Let it Go- James Bay